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Saturday, September 19, 2009

I'm Expanding........

and not in a good way. I love to cook...LOVE to cook. I don't have a lot of counter space right now which makes it difficult to spread out and cook like I want. So, at least this is my excuse, we have found ourselves eating a lot of fast food. Don't get me wrong, we buy almost exclusively organic food at the supermarket. My daughter eats almost exclusively organic meals...except for those pesky fast food meals. So, as a result of this over-use of fast food to satisfy our hunger, I am expanding--and not in a good way. I have gained so much weight. I got my hair cut recently and wanted to take a picture to share with friends who asked to see what the haircut looked like and OH-MY-GOSH. What I saw on the camera sickened me...really.

So, I'm at a cross-roads. I know that having had gestational diabetes with both Ben and Emma, I have a higher risk of getting Type-2 Diabetes. I haven't tested my blood sugar in a long time. I'm afraid too. Stupid, I know. I KNOW what I should be eating. I KNOW that I KNOW. But I don't. I have absolutely no will-power. On top of it, it has been so hot and humid, that my friend and I have stopped walking. My bike tire was flat for quite a while, so no bike riding. It's been replaced, but when I got on my bike to ride, I felt dead after just a few blocks. The only exercise I get is the going-to-the-fridge-to-get-something-to-eat variety. Not good.

I haven't always been heavy. I was very athletic as a kid/teenager/young adult. When I got pregnant with my oldest, I gained about 70lbs. I lost it all, except for a large blob of skin/fat that got so stretched out, nothing short of plastic surgery could fix it. When I went back to college in the late 80's/early 90's, I slowly started putting on weight. I am an emotional eater, can anyone relate? College alone was difficult for me. Add to it the stress of having a toddler/preschooler with you, raising him alone, well, lets just say, food was my enemy. As my weight ballooned, my self-esteems shrunk. Over the years, I have tried to lose weight numerous times but never managed to get off more than a few pounds, before putting it right back on, and then some. You know how that is....yo-yo dieting.

Then, in 2003, I got pregnant with my sweet Benjamin. After he died, I decided to take control of my weight, and went on the South Beach Diet. I walked several miles a day with my dogs, and over the course of five months, lost 40+ lbs. I was looking so much better, and feeling so much better as well. Then, I got pregnant with my precious Princess. I had to be on bedrest for 16 weeks, so I put one a few more lbs. than I wanted, but overall I did pretty good. I lost all the baby weight and than a bit more due to breastfeeding The Princess, as well as all the walking I did with her because she was sooooo colicky!

In 2006, we decided to move to Seattle to spend time with my in-laws. The stress of that cross country move, living in a hotel, having job/money issues, not to mention all the rain, well the lbs. started adding on. Then we decided to move back to Florida after just eight months there, so the cross country move again, living in a hotel again, job/money issues again...and more lbs. crept on. So here I am, almost five years after giving birth to Emma, and I think I am at my heaviest I have ever been. So much stress still in my life, and I reach for the food.

I have no will-power. My husband is an enabler. If I called him right now and told him to bring home Burger King or McDonald's for dinner on his way home, he would do it w/o a second thought even though I have told him over and over again to say NO to me when I ask him. Don't get me wrong, this is NOT his fault. I am the one w/o will power. I am the one who puts that food into my mouth. I am the one who is NOT out there working the lbs. off.

So, I will get down on my knees and pray. Pray to the one who CAN help me with this. I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW that He wants me to. I KNOW that He will help me and guide me, because I KNOW that "with God, all things are possible!" (Matthew 19:26)
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